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Sometimes I wonder where I am in my life, what place I am in as a person and all those stupid meaningless questions that one can ask oneself.  And it’s kind of weird you know, really very weird when you sit down and think and realize some of the most weird things about your own life! For example:

I know I want something but I have no clue what!

I know I seem to be waiting for something but again no idea! And nothing seems to be happening at all!

I know I want to do something but then again, blank, no idea at all as to what will fill that void growing inside me and make me stop wanting all of that I don’t even know I want anymore or maybe I do, I am just not sure yet?

You get that? That confused state of mind when you know it is there, when you know what you want but you just can’t define it or give a name to it because maybe Webster forgot to define it! Imagine the entire English Language letting you down because they simply can’t define what you are going through in your life!

Maybe I want everything too fast but then won’t that take the fun out of it? Maybe I want to experience every damn thing on this earth but would I even enjoy most of it? What is it that makes my life so incomplete? And why! Heck I have everything I can ever ask for yet I seem to be wanting more and that feeling of losing out on something when you don’t even know what it is in the first place that you seem to be losing! For example like in Jab We Met, that Train! I feel like I am missing the train but heck I don’t even know where it goes and why I should catch it in the first place!

And then I feel that maybe life is just a series of mistakes I committed and now I am suffering with the consequences of being so impatient in the first place. Maybe I made the wrong choices, I know I have made many but then why does the ending result have to be so bad that it just wrings your soul and makes you wanna hate yourself even more!

Don’t you ever feel that, when you are sipping your coffee and you are alone, with your favorite song playing in the background and all you can think of is what an utter horrendous mistake it has been all this time and that you should be doing something about it but then again, you have no idea what in the first place is wrong and what you should be doing about it!

I know this all sounds like a rantings of a mad woman but hey, haven’t we all gone through that? Haven’t you wondered what is it that would really make you happy and then get on to have it so that you can be happy forever? Haven’t you wondered that maybe somewhere down the line you made a wrong choice and you should run right back and correct it but you are too scared to do the right thing because you are worried what your friends, family, spouse, lover,neighbour or society would thing?

Why is it that we are so scared to do what we really really want to? Why can’t we just do it and end our misery and be happy about it? Why can’t we just for once, admit our mistakes, say sorry and make things all right? Because I read that moments are fleeting and that nothing stays constant for more than a moment! If we don’t make a move now, chances ar we’ll lose that what we want forever because hey, nothing stays constant except for my life but I feel it that way!

Of course things have changed, I’ve moved on in life in terms of a job, and age, and maturity and a lot other things. But then I still feel that when I look back to my college days or school days, I am essentially the same person I was ten years ago, with the same kinds of thoughts and the same kind of dreams and outlook and character. Nothing has changed, maybe I am a little more emotionally damaged than I was 10 years ago but rest is all the same!

And maybe that’s what I want, CHANGE! You know break free and fly away like a free bird and other such romantic theories but hey, that doesn’t happen. You don’t just break free like that and you really have to be a bird to fly away literally! See now I am being a complete pessimist here but then maybe that is what I am! A pretender who helps people and tells them how wonderful life is and changes their life for good but can’t even handle herself if left alone for 5 minutes! And here I stay all alone in Mumbai, imagine what must have happened by now!

I still don’t really know what I really want and I don’t even know what the point of this whole article is, but I just know whatever it is, I am too scared of it and I am running away from it (and doing everything I can to stay away from it). See I still don’t know what I am running away from but I must be doing one heck of a job because whatever it is, I still haven’t found it.

Maybe I need a job change or I should just go to Vegas and gamble away to glory or maybe get totally drunk and freak everyone out! That would be great but maybe that is not what I really want! Heck, how do you guys figure out what do you want in life and get it? It’s sort of like one giant SU-DO-KU which I can’t solve and it’s irritating the hell out of me! I love puzzles and I hate it when I can’t solve them! It makes me miserable. It’s like having a jar full of cookies or things you love the most and want it badly but you can’t open the jar and no one will help you so it makes you miserable! Get the picture? That is how I feel right now!

Well maybe I hopefully catch whatever train I am supposed to catch, make it right whatever I am supposed to make right and for once in my life choose what I truly want, not because empathy catches me off guard and makes me want to do things I don’t even want to! They should kill this word ‘Empathy”, it makes you want to do something because it tells you that it is the right thing to do and if you don’t do it, you drown in a whole sea of guilt but what you don’t realize is that by actually not doing it will make you more happy! But no, you have to be a good person for others so you SACRIFICE thinking it’s just compromise and well, then you are miserable!

Well I’d better wrap this up but I kind of hope that I’d figure out things soon for the sake of my mental sanity and yes, if I do I’d better have the courage to do what makes me happy, not the society or because it is the right thing to do. Damn I should read those self help books now!

And I know there is no relation of the picture to this article but hey, what kind of picture would you even put for this? I just put it because it looks nice! Well I hope you don’t ever have to go through the whole not knowing in your life, it is damn worse and you’ll hate every moment of it!

Here is to a happy life for all of us and the courage to do what we really really want to do! May all our souls be happy forever! Amen to that!

Photo credits – Google Images

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